A little bit dazed, a little confused.

I am so tired.

I have to finish Lolita tonight for English.

I've barely eaten all day because I woke up early to register for next semester's classes and went back to sleep until about 45 minutes before my first class. The only things I've eaten have really been just yogurt and cheese so I could take Advil for my throat. Dinner tonight sucked. I mostly just drank iced tea. They hate vegetarians at Marquis.

My audition last night was iffy. I sang absolutely awfully. Michael and the music director said I did fine, considering my sore throat, but I know 'sucks ass' when I sing it. Went back to Michael's office in his car so he could give me my PIN for registration, and he told me I did a really good job at the audition anyway. I played Shen Te, 2 prostitutes, and a god. Interesting stuff. I have two call-backs though! Michael just e-mailed us - call-backs will be tomorrow - and I have two, along with Carolyn, Alexis, and Sam. All favorite people of mine. I do, however, recognize the competition, as much as I hate competing against my friends. I've learned over the years that sometimes you just have tell yourself that your friend want something, but you want it too, and you have to just try to get it for yourself no matter how much you want your friend to be happy, too. I know that sounds awful, but I've sacrificed my own happiness too much to miss out on certain things. Although Michael did tell me he wouldn't ask me to sing again, I really hope he lets us all sing again anyway. Especially me. I sang almost perfectly in choir today. Go figure. I only really suck on the days when it counts.

Had a Math exam today. Dan was there, obviously. We don't get to talk much, and I didn't see him at dinner. It's been a long time since I've had this kind of feeling. Recently I've just wanted very superficial relationships - not actual relationships, but relations, we'll say. I legitimately want to get to know Dan better, though. I mean, we talked a lot on Friday, but I want to hang out with him under...more normal circumstances, too. And he's a Cancer. We can sort of read each other's minds, in some ways. Granted, I have no idea what he feels about me, or our situation, except that he told me he was really good at keeping things un-awkward, when in fact I find his sideways glances to be a little awkward anyway. He has such a comfortable personality.

My feelings are making little sense these days. Where does AJ fit in? Chris? Whom I've hardly met? And Carolyn's continued insistence on competition in friendship! It makes me want to cry! All I want is for us to be equals - The Carolyns. Carolyn Squared. Not Carolyn Spalding and her friend Isaac, or Carolyn Isaac and her friend Spalding. The intensity of it all wears me out.

I need to make some tea. And not fall asleep.