i won't worry.

it's time i get back to my old ways. it has been far too long, with too many missteps in the interim, that i've been unable to live in the moment and go with the flow, let things happen as they do without trying to calculate and manipulate.

lulu has been an excellent grounder for me these past few days since she got home. along with - of course - the help of some enlightening jason mraz lyrics, i'm letting go of aaron. i'm going to meet new people. i've gotten too lost in something that didn't really even exist - emotionally, at least. for both parties. but i know that if i go into the year hoping and wondering and speculating it will all just be that much more painful and difficult to deal with, and i don't want to have that weighing me down on top of all the craziness that's going to be the start of this semester. and to be honest, it just sucks. he doesn't care, so why bother? lulu had a funny take on it:

"when you see him, just a look at the person next to him and think, wow, you're more attractive than aaron."

of course i can't help that i think aaron's attractive and lulu thinks he's... not, but basically what she was saying was that i shouldn't waste my time on something that isn't worth it. i could argue with myself and say that he is, but here's the reality laundry list:

Reality Laundry List

-aaron will not want a relationship with me
-it's aaron
-he'll find some new freshman to play with
-let's not forget that his original thought about me was that i was "digusting"
-we have completely different political views
-we have completely different views on the roles of women in society - and i quote, "women can't hike."
-i find it hard to imagine that he would ever be emotionally interested in me

yeah.

but i can get over all of this. i'm just a little delusional right now because i'm so distanced from everyone and everything that happened last year, and in my current boredom i'm trying to hold on to anything i had then, whether it sucked or not.

no matter how delusional i am, i have to remember that everything did happen. i do still have friends, as far as i know, and while i'm sure we will all carry the memory of last year close by in our minds, last year is over. this will be a new year. a new start. new beginnings for year-old friendships that seem to have lasted a lifetime. and this is why i need to let go. i need to embrace the new-ness.

i find it interesting that, at the very start of my first year at Laf, i was quite adept at the New Outlook - not getting attached, free-bird, uncomplicated. that, of course, was because i didn't know anyone and could start up with whatever i wanted however i wanted to. but making actual friends and ties changes that. it did change that. and that's why this whole thing is going to be A LOT harder the second time around, but i think it's doable. it's for the best. i think i need it. if i can gather up enough self-control, stay calm, and let things happen, i should be fine. i hope.

that's it: i won't worry. i worry too much, is what a lot of this is, and i need to stop worrying. everything's okay.