returning to scotland.

macrina is going back to scotland! i am so excited for her. i do, however, wish it were me.

it seems like another lifetime, the memories of my time there. i think - hope - i will one day end up there again, permanently. or for an extended stay at least. i was recently reminded of the fact that i came very close to applying to Aberdeen, so badly did i want to a) get as far away from the US as possible and b) go back to scotland. i didn't go through with it, obviously, and i'm glad of that, but...

anyway, i'm happy that at least one of our old pilgrimage group is once again setting foot on scottish ground. oh, scotland. where i think i may have learned that i might not believe in "God," and that it's okay, not to be sure. crying in the meeting room filled with found nautical objects - nets and metal cages and glass floaters - on the dirty-dusty wooden floor above the vegan kitchen.

a time both terrible and deliciously freeing, but i remember too well the feeling of being trapped in my own skin, tucking a dropped tylenol ender moss on a mountain and realizing how young i was, speaking with these 24-year-olds. how old was i? 13? 14?

so many moments when the group of us bonded together, all of us, even me, and yet i still felt separate, and know i always will.

and even though i think some of us - maybe even most of us - have forgotten scotland, we will always have it. together.