heading to the poconos for the weekend.

i don't really want to go. i was originally going to go to cape may with kate and kiri, but kiri has work and things got complicated. then my mom, of course, asked me to drive up to the flc because otherwise she and lulu would be the only drivers and it makes everyone nervous when lulu has multiple friends in the car since her accident in october. i agreed.

it's going to be weird, though. lulu will have natalie, caitlin and abigail, i leave them alone, they'll leave me alone, but i haven't been to the club in a very long time and i don't know who will be there, what 'friends' i will see, how the weekend will play out. i would really love to hike out somewhere by myself and write, but that's just evidence of a) my high tolerance for and tendency toward alone time and b) my recently quite consistent disregard for the fact that other people do, in fact, exist in the world. my flc friends have known me for a long time, but it's like it was at springside - hard to change within yourself AND change your dynamic with the group as a result of your new self. i feel like i've avoided the club for this reason in recent years, and i love it there and wish deeply that i could reconcile this. i don't want to exclude myself from the group.

i think college gave me more life experience with which to gamble. one of the reasons i felt so out of place with my flc friends, i believe, was the fact that i hadn't experienced the same things they had, done the same things, wanted or agreed with the same things. now that i've got a better footing i think it should be easier, but who knows?! i feel like every time i go there i have to make a new start.