"It's only been about a month and a half..."

A quick overview of what's been going on of late. Potentially cryptic, and in no particular order.

Ben informed me that he was going through "a transition" when I told him I sensed something different about him. The next day (last Thursday) I went to his room so he could explain, and he had me a read story, saying it was an "extended metaphor" that would explain everything. I was sneaky and e-mailed it to myself for future reference, but I won't post it here. Basically, he explained that for the past two-and-a-half years (since his previous girlfriend, Caroline, broke up with him) he'd been in a "cave" of depression, had lost all faith in humanity, saw everything as dark and accepted that his life was meant to be shit and would always be that way. The metaphor of the cave went on, however, to how someone had found him, had searched and saw that he was still lost in that cave, and brought him back out into the light. According to him, that "someone" is me, and when I asked what exactly he meant he said that I "changed his life."

I've made it clear from the beginning that I don't want a relationship. I'm interested in other guys, and at this point in my life I don't want any strings to tie me down. The Friday night after I read the story, I really wanted to see Matt, but Carolyn didn't want to go to Phi Psi. I hung out with the sophomore boys until 12, at which point I left Mike's room to meet Matt at the house. Matt and I met at the first Dems party, and we hung out again on March Field and at the Phi Psi party last Wednesday, and he told me he "sort of had a girlfriend" at Penn State. I still want to be friends with him, because once again I'm not looking for a relationship. So Friday I went to the house but it was pretty lame, and Matt, Allyson and Christina were going to another party, so I went to hang out with the boys and Carolyn. That's when the punch kicked in and I needed to talk to Carolyn about how I was really starting to like Matt. Nat was very concerned because, even though he didn't know what we were talking about, he knew we needed to talk and is really nice guy when he's not being kind of a jerk.

Eventually I went back to Ben's room and he broke down, saying that he'd had a terrible day because I hadn't had the reaction to his story that he'd wanted me to and was afraid he was going to lose me. It gets more complicated from here on out, so I'll just get to the point. Ben wants to be in a relationship with me - his first relationship since he went into the cave two-and-a-haly years ago - but I don't want to be in a relationship with him. I just want to hook up. But what I feel is the most important thing to me right now is friendship. I just want friends! I want people who care about me. And there's a little more fun than that then hey, that's cool too, but seriousness is not part of my current agenda. So Ben and I are still hooking up, and I'm trying to help him and be his friend, because he is a seriously damaged individual and I'm afraid I'm going to hurt him very badly.

The weird part is that I don't feel guilty about hooking up with other guys. Like Evan on Saturday night. I am loyal to Ben - once you get on a Scorpio's good side, unless you seriously screw up you've got a hard-fighting friend - but only as a friend. I cannot commit myself to him, and I feel bad, but I don't feel the same way about him that he does about me. I wish I did. And I've told him again and again how sorry I am. He barely knows me.

I am beginning to struggle with other things more than I expected I would. I didn't expect to have such strong feelings for Matt; they aren't that strong, but they are strangely different from and stronger than those I have for Ben. He's an Aquarius, and though we have good conversations online and see each other at parties, I am having a lot of trouble understanding him and a lot of fears that I will scare him off from even being just a friend. But there is someone else, too, and so many things have happened that I can't take the time just now to enumerate them, but the situation is hard and I don't want to ruin it. It looks too good from the outside to ruin. It has begun to ache on the inside, but I have loyalties and boundaries past which I will not venture, and so i will leave things the way they are. I will say that I have very good friends, and that they are not responsible for this; I care about them too much to let myself break in this.

Well, tomorrow is another Wednesday night, and if I want to go anywhere - my choices are Dems, DU, or Phi Psi....or all three - I have to finish my work. We'll see what happens.

I must be more careful with my eyes. The bolder I am, the more noticeable it is.