Mother

I think, even before my mother, I would be the first to admit that I am possibly the worst daughter any parents could have. It's not that I want to act like a self-centered bitch, but apparently it comes across as that all too often. My mom also likes to point out that I don't anything for anyone (house work, etc.) unless I know I'm getting something out of it. For the most part, this is true, but I think it is wrong of her to expect much more of me. Now I really sound self-centered. But last night she went too far. I am too used to being screamed at and called a bitch, but she compared me to Leah, who, as she said, has never disobeyed my mother when she has been asked to do something. The fact that I only do work when I want something is not something that only I do. Leah makes money when she does chores, too; I don't believe she would do them if she didn't know she were getting paid for them. But my mother just wanted to hurt me. None of this is sounding very coherent. She screamed at me, saying the fact that I was hanging out with my friends so much was getting out of hand, and that I should stay home and do chores all the time. This is ridiculously unreasonable, because I just graduated high school and I may very well never see these people again, and I am about to go to college. She also told me to get out of the house/she cannot wait until I'm gone, which I've heard too many times to count. I don't want to fight with her! I asked for a compromise, I said I could set aside a certain number of hours every day to do chores, and then I could manage my time with my friends, but she wants to punish me for that. When I suggested this, she said, "Why? So you can go out at night?" OF COURSE! Why else not? Even though I know I have chores to do, can't I get them done and then hang out with my friends afterwards? Wouldn't we both be happy? But no. My mother does not want me to be happy. I am doing chores today, but I am not sure if I'm being paid for them. I don't understand why she doesn't want to compromise. Is it unreasonable for me to want to have fun? I do know that recently I have been shirking my duties a little too much, but she won't give me a chance. When I said I would do better, she lashed back at me again, screaming about how everything with me is "I will" but that nothing ever gets done. The only problem is, though, that she won't accept that I want to do better in the future, that I plan to do better. The only way for anyone to plan, though, is to do it in the future! So I'm stuck! Completely fucked! Cornered by my psychotic, depressed, bipolar mother who won't let me do anything to redeem myself for anything I have ever done. She also turned off my air conditioning and told me she'd kick me out if I turned it back on. She turned off the air conditioning in the whole house and I woke up boiling this morning at 9:30. I called my dad and he said I could turn it back on.

I don't understand my mother. I mean, I'm pretty sure I know where her depression and anger comes from, but I can't see how she has no regrets about hurting me (and Daddy and Leah sometimes). She told me last night, in short, that I should be punished for being alive. That's not a joke. She said that if it weren't for the fact that she and Dad had kids, they wouldn't be working anymore. They'd be retired. They wouldn't have to pay for school and college and clothes. What am I supposed to say to that? I couldn't say anything, because if I had confronted her with the fact of what she had just implied, she would have punished me more. And psychological punishment is by far the worst kind. I think I would rather be killed slowly and painfully than experience any more of this.