Restless

I've been really antsy all day. I wrote some thank-you notes, looked over some Lafayette stuff, did laundry, "cleaned" my room, went on facebook...

I can't focus. There's a lot of pent-up creative energy flowing through me right now. I want to write a poem and sing and make music and art and dance all at once and it's frustrating because I've been stuck in the house.

I'm starting to get nervous about Cape May. I'm sure it'll be fun, but the indirect connection to Lionel and Manwaring is unsettling.

I need to organize my room. My desk is better, but I keep thinking about what I'm going to need for college and what I should throw away. I can't seem to get it through my head that the Springside part of my life just ended and I'm never going to need anything from it ever again. I now have control over my own life, and I'm not yet sure how to take it. It doesn't bother me that Springside has gone from me; it will always be a part of me, of course, because I spent 13 years of my life there, but I've moved on. I'm not sad; I'm excited to be on to the next adventure. That's what it's all become for me, an adventure. There are people who, if I never saw them again my whole life, I wouldn't care. I might wonder about them, but there are some connections that I've wanted to break and now I can do that. I don't know if I'm subconsciously making room for new relationships, even though my motto is "You can never have too many friends," but the people I would rather leave behind forever I didn't really count as friends. Instead of having to put up with long-shriveled relationships, I can make my own decisions about how to deal with them. I don't need to say to myself, "I have to stay friends with this person because otherwise school will suck," or something like that. I can remind myself that I can choose who my friends are. I don't have to pretend I'm friends with anyone because it makes everyone else happy (except me). I can think for myself and do what I want. WHAT I WANT. That's something I hardly ever get anyway, so why keep myself from getting it if I can do something about it?