I am going crazy.

And it's the stupidest kind of crazy, this weak crazy that lets me start to douse my brain in the most base of my complex emotions.

I've talked a lot to Beth and Christina, especially yesterday, and I felt a lot better about everything that happened last week. Carolyn texted me saying that Ali was expressing concern for me (which would be the way I would find out about Ali's concern... through a text from Carolyn... not that I really mind) and I told her that no, I wasn't okay, but that yes, I would call her if I needed to. I didn't. The things I have to say to her are not things one discusses over the phone. I mean, this Dan #3 thing? No, I won't talk about it now. I don't want to.

Carolyn just texted me a little while ago to check up on me, and I told I was a little better, re-evaluating myself. She asked how that was going, and I said it was hard, because it is, and that I really want to talk to her but only when we see each other again. And then this is what has me all twisted up inside. Like a true Scorpio would be. She told me she was having "the longest conversation with Sam." And I asked if she meant Sam from DU, the one I've now hooked up with twice (or rather, hooked up with once and made out with once), and she said yes. And for some reason that is what just threw me off. I was doing so much better until she said that. So I said, "hope it's fun [the conversation with Sam]. ttyl."

It's not that I don't want her to talk to him. By all means! But I am the most sinisterly jealous person. It irks me to no end that she is having a long conversation with Sam. I want to talk to him! I want to have deep conversations with him! But that's where she and I are different. I never think that anyone might want to talk to me, or have an interest in me, whether as a friend or anything else. And the only way for me to have a "long conversation with Sam" would be to just start one! Not now, of course. I just hate how I immediately almost frothed with anger at her talking to Sam...

But I just had the most odd sensation wash over me.

I just let go of all those painful emotions. So involuntarily. Even as I was preparing myself to struggle through not caring, I suddenly just didn't feel upset about the situation any more! It was like a blast from the past, the past being early first semester when I was so carefree. Wow, it felt so nice! And really, I feel so good now! I don't need to get so upset from these things. I just need to remind myself that everyone is different, and I can choose how I react to everyone and every situation. I can choose.

And now another odd thing just happened.

Carolyn texted me, saying, "ummm alright" in response to my, "hope it's fun. ttyl." I guess she sensed my tone. Although I attempted to clear it up, she just said she would talk to me at school. Ah, well. We need some time apart. I hate that we seem to end up in competitions sometimes, but I feel so utterly un-competitive right now. In the best sense. Who knows what Sam said to her. No doubt something about not wanting a relationship right now because he just got out of one. But I don't mind. Sam and I are friends, and I'm hoping it will continue to stay that way, no matter what we've already done physically.

I hope tomorrow is a good, happy day.