My stomach hurts.

My stomach hurts. And this is not the result of having eaten something bad at Farinon, or having drunk too much last night, or having not eaten anything in a while (I'm eating pretzels at the moment). Oddly enough, it is the result of the most recent revelation I've had in my life.

I spent last night in the Second Dan's room. This was second time we hooked up. Much distress at Phi Psi last night because I hadn't really talked to him in a week and I wanted to see him but he wasn't really paying much attention to me. As usual, no time just now to explain fully who he is and the circumstances surrounding him specifically. But I'll attempt to make my situation as clear as possible.

I was definitely attached to him after last Wednesday, the first night we hooked up. But it was more that I wanted to be with him physically than emotionally. We do, however, know how my emotions and physical feelings tend to mix together in rather horrid combinations. But last night, we made a lot of things clear to each other, and as awful and sluttish as it sounds, I realized that in the situation with him I am perfectly fine being a booty call. I don't know if we'll ever be together again. He's a good guy, he's just confused right now, and I made it clear to him that the most I want is a friends-with-benefits relationship.

The thing is, a friends-with-benefits relationship is all I want from him. From him. Not anyone else. This revelation I had, maybe last night as I was falling asleep in Dan's bed, or maybe this morning when I woke up, or maybe when I was walking back to my dorm room, was that i don't want to have random hook-ups anymore. If the thing with Dan #2 continues, then great, I have someone with whom to release my sexual tension. But what I really want is a relationship. I didn't think that would be the case for a while, and Ali was actually really surprised when I told her this (apparently she thought I'd never want a relationship, the way I've been doing things), but I realized it.

And this good change, this good thing that feels like it will be a healthier way to go about my life, is that which is making me feel sick to my stomach. Go figure. It's like the realization was such a shock to my system that it can hardly process it. I think I felt this coming for a while, and by "a while" I mean more like the past week-and-a-half, but the acceptance of it is oddly challenging.

This could be because I already - in a way - have my relationship prospects pinpointed. And they are not what they should be. One of them is Brad. Great. Brad is COMPLETELY off-limits. Not only would it be disastrous because Brad is such close friends with Ben (read: I am suicidal), but even if Brad did have feelings for me, which it is not totally unlikely that he does, he would never let on BECAUSE of the Ben situation. He would keep his feelings to himself to avoid everything we both know would wrong.

My other prospect is Holden #2. I know a lot of guys with the same name. Holden #2 is a sophomore and the cutest guy you could ever meet. He's so sweet, and we've had a lot of fun together recently. His roommate, Kurt, with whom I am also friends, told me to go for it/"Do you want me to talk to him for you?"/"Holden needs a woman in his life." But I don't know. I feel like Holden might be intimidated by me, or just plain weirded out, and maybe he doesn't want a relationship, and he's way too cool of a person with way too cool of friends for me to be able to have a chance.

A decidedly great start to my new life of monogamy, which looks like it will remain a life of celibacy.

Hopefully I will be able to add the finer details later.