What kind of ending is this?

It's Sunday night. The Sunday night before exam week.
I leave Friday morning.

I don't know what kind of ending this is. I wish I knew. Because so much has happened this semester, so much more that I actually LOVED has happened this semester, than ever happened to me in high school. And while there was good drama, bad drama, just plain absurdity, I know I have never felt better about where I am in my life. That's my opinion on things right now, anyway. Tomorrow it may be different.

But I still don't know what kind of ending this is. Winter break is going to be good for me, for Carolyn, for Ben... I need a lot of time to get some perspective; I liked the person I was at the beginning of the semester better than I like who I am - or how I feel about myself - now, and I know doing something separate from here will help. I think the time and space apart will do mine and Carolyn's friendship good. I'll miss her, but I can't much longer stand keeping my feelings for Nat from her. Hopefully more than a month away will give me time to get over him. Seeing them together has been especially hard recently, and it's been showing; I now have the unfortunate habit of making Nat upset with disapproving looks I throw at him while intoxicated. It's disturbing how I find his distress comforting; I've always felt that it's a rare thing for someone to care that much about my friendship that they would behave the way he does - asking me what's wrong and why I won't give him a hug and seeming sad and saying he thought we were friends... I'm so messed up from this. It's like, since I feel something so strongly for him, and I know he doesn't - and won't - have the same strong feeling for me, I just want SOME kind of strong feeling out of him. It's awful. I want his friendship so badly! I can hardly believe I do have it. And Ben needs this break. Brad said he's going to talk to Ben over December and January, just to see how he does, but that I should try not to contact him. I think that's the best thing I could do. While it's nice to know SOMEONE has strong feelings for me, I know Ben needs to get over me, and I won't compromise his sanity just to feel good about myself (sound familiar?).

This is the approaching end of my first semester of college. It went so fast! I'm going to miss this place while I'm gone, but I need to get away. To detach. Attachment has always been my problem. To traditions, to people, to places, to habits. "Bad habits are the ones that die the hardest." I need to break this bad habit, this reversal to my old self. The new self I had, at the beginning, felt better. It's going to be a lot of work, getting back to that, but separation is the best start. [see "Back to new"].

So this ending is just the closing of Chapter One. I've been thinking that every semester is going to be a new chapter, just like fall is never the same as spring. Birth, death, rebirth. No one of them is better than another. They are all just different.