Home.

So I'm home! I'm home for about six weeks, and then I go back to campus. Wow.

Thus far (it's only been about 2 days) I've been doing a lot of sleeping and staying up late. I went to the Players production of "The Sound of Music" on Friday. An interesting first night back. Saturday night Leah and I went to Border's - I got the birthday-astrology book I've been after! - and then Starbuck's. Today was spent cleaning for Mr. Webster's stay tonight. I helped out, was surprisingly cooperative and good-humored, and ate a ton tonight. I can't believe how hungry I still am, considering that I had two plates of noodles, venison with gravy, carrots and Italian green beans, two slices of apple pie, and a large bowl of lentil soup. I'm already looking forward to a bagel with cream cheese tomorrow morning! Crazy, but not unusual. I didn't have my cell phone on me all day, so I was pretty much out of contact with everyone until after I finished doing crucial things for Mom and then showered. Christina said she would call me so we could hang out today - her parents didn't let her out last night - but she never did. I just assume she was too busy studying for her last final, for which she drives back to Naked Bell tomorrow. Beth has a cold (enough said).

When I opened my phone after my shower, however, I had two texts - both from Nat. I'm not sure now of my feelings for him. All I know is that I desperately want him to be happy. He is completely in love with his ex-girlfriend, Kara, who's a freshman. Oh, it's so complicated! She's up in Mass., having sex with wealthy college guys who can provide her with expensive drugs and pretty much anything else she wants, all of which is killing Nat. Kara still loves him too, but he told me - in a text today - that it hurts her to love him, mostly because he's so far away, and that she wants to stop loving him so she can move on and find a boyfriend who's closer to home. Nat's home already, and she comes home this Saturday (they went to high school together). They only just broke up, like two months ago; they stayed together even while Nat was a freshman and she was a senior. I guess I can see where she's coming from, meeting all these new guys and not wanting to have an attachment who is so far away. But Nat is an incredible guy, and her position makes him feel like shit. He didn't want to go home for break. He got totally shit-faced on Thursday and blacked out; apparently he doesn't remember anything of that night, though Ben told me he said it would all come back to him eventually. I kind of hope it doesn't. Clearly we've talked since then, but I was rather drunk, too, and Carolyn had gone home the day before, and I was finished with exams, and Nat and I almost made out. There were a lot of eskimo kisses involved, and he did kiss me once (emphasis on the 'he' - it wasn't me!) but it wasn't a serious thing. Also, whenever Carolyn's not there, Nat and I text each other really inappropriately. I don't think he ever tells her that, though, because I don't. I don't really know what she knows. For that matter, I don't really know what he knows about Thursday night, if he remembers what we said or did. Yet. But I don't think he tells her. This has only happened at times when he's been particularly upset about Kara and therefore particularly self-destructive. And he can't talk to Carolyn about it because it's too involved - it's the ex-girlfriend, the sorrow, the girl-he-hooks-up-with-on-a-regular-basis-but-with-whom-he-isn't-in-a-relationship. And I'm a good listener, he says. He feels he can talk to me, and I'm 100% there for him to talk to, to let things out to, to find support in. I just want him to be happy! And I'll do whatever I can to try to make sure that happens. I love him, as a friend, and I've seen his misery too many times, up-close, to imagine his survival with it for much longer.

I guess I am rather convinced of Carolyn's general ignorance of his deep-seated misery. She knows he's still upset over the break-up. It's an odd situation, though, because she asked him, flat-out, is she was a rebound hook-up, and he said no, of course not, he genuinely likes her. Which is the truth. The two of them make a good....thing. Whatever you want to call that place that's pretty much exclusive but not and isn't a Relationship relationship. Carolyn's been getting annoyed by him recently, though. She says she doesn't know what's going on with him, the way he's acting toward her, being clingy but sometimes unresponsive? Or something? I can't quite remember what she said. But she's becoming more afraid, I think, that his behavior is evidence of his possible inability to not be in a relationship. It would make sense, his being a Capricorn of the base 6, but it would also mean that he might be, to some extent, however small (if you can call using a person 'small'), using her. And then I'm afraid that, since she's bored, and has been, that if she breaks things off with him there will be weirdness. But even before I'm worried about that, I'm afraid of what the approaching events will yield. Carolyn is going on the Concert Choir trip to Italy, and so is Noozie, on whom she has a crush. Not good, though, because he is one of Nat's friends. And it's funny, because there is nothing really between Carolyn and Noozie when Nat's around, but when he's not they flirt and she loves it. Of course, Noozie wouldn't pull that in front of Nat, but Carolyn is embarrassed because she feels like she shouldn't like him. She's also worried, and we talked about this extensively before break, that if Nat continues to bother her over break (that's what it was - she's not usually bothered by him in person, recently, but his texts are frustrating her) she will make up her mind just to throw caution to the wind and hook up with Noozie in Italy. Brad, who will be there, of course, suspects that there will be drama already. But then what happens when we all get back from break? Nat may have had to deal with completely letting Kara go, and Carolyn may have hooked up with Noozie, and what is when she sees Nat and is around him again she's not bothered by him anymore? Or what if Nat acts more boyfriendy than ever because he doesn't know what to do with himself?

The complexity astounds me. There is complexity and drama in what happened during my first semester of college than ever happened in all of my four years of high school.

And then there's Ben. Oh, Ben. We've already had an hour-long phone conversation. Friday. I hadn't even been gone for a day. And he seems to think that's going to be a regular thing, us calling and texting, "at least once a week" I think was his phrasing. This break is supposed to be his "Get Over Carolyn" break. And I know I can't make him go cold turkey, but I'm worried he won't be able to get over me. I want him to be happy, and since I can't make him happy - although he says I do anyway - I think the best thing for him would be to get over me and move on. As much as it's nice to know someone feels that way about me, he'll be happier without those feelings.