Not fun just yet.

I'll make this as quick as possible; I'm tired and still have a page of critical response to write for English.

As much as talking to Matt and Christina last night helped me, I'm still so stressed by the Dan situation. While trying to 'have fun' works in context, being alone with my own thoughts is peculiarly painful. We talked a little before Math started today, and I want to say that while I sensed him behind me and one chair to the left he was aware of me as well, but I'm sure I'm going nuts. I haven't felt like this about someone in so long! And the fact that we've hooked up - twice, even - seems to make it worse. Kevin was a totally different story; I never talked to him, never knew him, had no contact with him whatsoever save calculating where to be when during the school day so I could see him. Back then I could live with the pain because I knew nothing would ever come of it. I may have been terribly preoccupied, and short of breath, but that was it. Now, here I am, frustrated and lost and wondering if he enjoys my company at all, let alone seeing me in Math class, and if I'm just a random, sexually-satisfying blip on the landscape of his first-semester-of-college experience. I don't want to text or IM him, for fear of appearing clingy or attached in any way. And while my motto these days is to be honest in all relationships, no matter their connotations, I think that if he knows I want to hook up on a regular basis he'll make a quick exit. I mean, it did happen twice. We both agreed that we were glad it wasn't a one-time thing. But at this point, a disappointing two-time thing seems the fate of the circumstances.

I could be bold. I'm good at that. I'm hoping the Cancerian part of him will respond to that. I could further damage myself by, instead of just trying to get to know him as a friend and not hooking up, I plunge in with my 'fun' and 'passion' and hope it continues in that way. I don't have a clue what I'm doing. I wish I were not so broken.